integrated, not alienated… what her-esy!

…where i’m tending toward is that “transition” isn’t my goal at all… “transcendence” might be a better word.

i am convinced that our existential angst — for all of us… lesbians, straights, queers, trans, intersex, asexuals, bisexuals… whatever — is rooted in our 10,000 year old descent into a concept that posits first that the cosmos is a Universe, that the Whole is actually made of discreet “things” which are all separated from each other…

i think it is best for me to try to relax my way out of the reflexive and unconscious requirement to square every feeling with this abstract concept… try to just be.  sense infinity effortlessly and unknown possibilities open to me…

for many years i’ve been contemplating the meaning of being “in” a cosmos which is infinite (which obviates the use of words like “in” and “out” to describe “it”)…

what does it really mean to feel myself as being an “individual”? an atomized part, alienated from all the other things and forever condemned to being trapped in unresolvable conflict… as long as i am i and all that is not me is Other, i will never be Whole and no choice really results in changing the basic fact of my alienation.

what is coming clearer to me is that insisting on these definitions is a trap, that what i seek is not to be a definition, i seek to BE. i am not a thing. as the Rastafarians say, i am “i and i”…

think of the fact that our physical bodies are made up of half or more bacteria… not human cells, bacteria, living and breeding and dying and as they do, their being combines with myriad other life forms swimming around in the ocean of my Human body… if it were not for these non-Human creatures living inside me, actually comprising significant parts of my mass… i would not exist. so… what is “i”? i appears to actually be “we”. that’s a physical fact. insisting on being “fully Human” while denying the bacterial aspect of that combination of cooperating life-forms would be an error and give rise to an entirely erroneous viewpoint on reality… so it isn’t that hard to imagine that this applies to the cosmos in general… there is no actual meaning to the term “me” that doesn’t extend first to those non-Human bacteria who are participating in being my body.

in fact, in an infinite cosmos, there is no time, or space… no here or there, no you and me or us and them. these are concepts that Humans have developed and on which we base our societies… achieving what we think are “miracles” and denying the catastrophe we’ve created with such delusional dogma…

anyway… my intuition keeps pulling me away from settling for a new box to put myself in. there’s no doubt that i was chafing in the box i was born into and my escape from that box can’t be real if i simply duck into another one. i think it is possible that in our quintessentially transitional times, we who are experiencing this “gender dysphoria” may be like canaries in the proverbial coal mine… we know that we are not what we are “supposed” to be. we are allowed in some cases to switch to a different “supposed to” if we agree to conform to the basic precept of Division. it isn’t really that important to society which box we are in, as long as we continue to agree to stay in a box.

that won’t work for me, so i’m… a male iconoclast her-etic! wearing lipstick and growing male breasts! and… almost wholly misunderstood… which is encouraging to me really, indicating that something i’m doing is actually different, which seems to me to be a good thing, since the same ol’ same ol’ has proven to be such a failure and disaster for us and our fellow living entities across the cosmos… our Family is waiting for us to come home.

2 thoughts on “integrated, not alienated… what her-esy!

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