i am a free sissy (the beginning of the becoming…)

10 June 2016, posted to the Ask a Sissy group

well, i’m so new to any kind of community centered around this… i can only speak for myself. i echo the confusion in the original post, is it about being submissive? is it about wishing i was a woman? etc… i’m writing because i want somewhere to say what i feel… i don’t feel submissive and i don’t think of myself as a woman…

in fact, i think i’m really way off from most anyone i ever knew in the real world on how those terms are even defined. my mother was a radical feminist, at 70 yrs. she became a lesbian. she taught me a lot about the role that the gender “woman” is assigned in patriarchal society and i’ve read several feminist works by philosophers and academicians like mary daly, bell hooks, susan griffin, robin morgan, silvia federici, andrea dworkin, gerda lerner… all of it amazing and really for me the most cogent and valuable analysis of our social environment that i have ever read…

at the same time… (starting before all that reading actually)

i began dressing in mom’s clothes before puberty… maybe ten or eleven years old… she never knew… it just felt so good… it was – and remains, increasingly – so exciting… put me in peak states of experience… for the longest time i thought that was a function of the “tabooness” of it all, of the naughtiness… but recently, my life has led me to new understandings of myself… i don’t have anyone to answer to anymore, no wife, no girlfriend, no boyfriend… i’ve been a hermit for several years now (really long story) and my time and how i spend it is my own. no one comes to visit me, i share my personal life with no one (ironically, no one except you, the reader, someone i don’t expect i’ll ever meet in person).

about a year ago, by chance, as i was getting together with a woman as my girlfriend, she revealed to me that she had a fantasy of giving me anal sex using a strap-on and so i told her about my cross-dressing. we played with me dressed up several times, but never “consummated” the anal sex… i regret that but relationship is over now. it ended leaving me in a completely new place… i knew i couldn’t hide, lie or be alone anymore.

after we broke up, i just… accelerated what had been an occasional treat and one thing led to another and my situation has improved financially and… i discovered chaturbate… and… due to the sort of competitive environment there was prodded into buying more clothes, panties, stockings, garters, bodices, babydolls, dresses and tops and skirts… two wigs… started wearing makeup (which i never imagined i’d ever do before)

anyway, all of this has really allowed me to begin to discover a totally undeveloped part of my self, a side that i see now has been suppressed all my life before, a side that i treated as a shameful thing that i wanted to be rid of… not in small part because of the way that i was doing it, furtively, sneaking into my various wives and girlfriends panty drawers and locking the bathroom door… which i rightfully felt so ashamed of… i hate to be dishonest and i hate that i violated so many people’s trust… only one wife caught me, and that was a major stress for her, she felt so insecure after that with good reason and i am sorry… anyway, as i said, my life is no longer encumbered by that and i now own all my own clothes and that is so wonderful! i shop with no embarrassment, i have my little drawer of clothes right out in my living room (actually i live in a studio, so what i mean is they’re not in the closet)…

i want to finish and just say a couple of things about what i think i am… i am a male, not a “man” which i believe is a social construct, akin to being an “american” or “white” when these are really sociopolitical identities that serve the dominant culture’s oppressive aims. i feel that my sexuality is expressed most naturally and enthusiastically by dressing up in women’s clothes and fantasizing (for now, but i’d love to make it all real) that i am a total slut, i want to suck penises, lots of them…

i have started to use a toy cock to fuck myself anally and i never imagined how wonderful that could feel… i think i’m at least bisexual now, although i am still a “virgin.” i love to do all that in front of as many people as possible (on cam, but i’d have no problem in a real group, in fact, i can’t wait!)… so i guess i must be an exhibitionist… but one thing about me is that i am definitely NOT a “slave” (my blood is Irish, and you can imagine how that idea sits with me) and given my mom’s teaching me what a female is when she’s free from the dominant socialization you can also imagine that when i say that i am a “sissy” i really DON’T mean that i wish to be “feminized” in the sense of becoming less than or mastered by anyone…

i am a free sissy, a sissy that does what she wants and gives herself freely as an equal, a sissy that loves to love, a hippie sissy that believes in the healing power of mutual respect and the magic of give-and-take…

that’s what i really want to say here. and now that i’ve said it… does anyone want to say anything back?

2 thoughts on “i am a free sissy (the beginning of the becoming…)

  1. Interesting definition of a sissy. I think the ability to do exactly as you feel can’t be underrated. I’m not sure I feel the need to define myself as anything.. maybe that’s because I’m more or less mainstream. I just am what I am.

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  2. since last year when i first came out and now i’ve had to deal a lot with this definition thing… the need to have a recognizable label to attach to oneself is remarkably pernicious… as i write about a lot, our psyches are colonized by a dogma that demands us to divide, classify and re-order… we literally “re-present” everything… see? there it is… “every “THING”… as if the Whole can meaningfully be experienced as being nothing but a collection of smaller and smaller “wholes”, all independent and divided. absurd. but we live that way. definitions required , even if they are absurd, like “adefinitional”

    when i get home sometimes, shut the door, put on my music… and do what i feel is right… i am also like you, free and happy just to be.

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